I have always wanted to be a mother, ever since I can remember. I love children so much I even did early childhood education at university!
My husband and I were married and we were blessed to fall pregnant as soon as we began trying. Nine months later our first son was born. In my mind I had always imagined my first child to be a daughter and I will admit this added to issues surrounding my ability to bond with my baby (traumatic birth didn’t help either!). However we were so happy to be parents and doted on our first born.
Nineteen months later we were ready to start trying for baby number two. I half heartedly researched natural methods to try for a girl, though after the first month being unsuccessful we just ‘did it’ over all the fertile days of my cycle as I was impatient. I fell pregnant in that second month with our second son.
He was a very welcome addition to our family. It was so lovely to see the two boys growing up together and thinking about them being best mates.
For me though there was a feeling of something missing. My daughter. I had always thought I would be blessed with a girl. As someone with three brothers and no sisters I was looking forward to having a female family member, to have that female bond I was yet to have.
We decided to have one last baby to complete our family. NOT because I wanted to try for a girl, but because our family didn’t feel finished. When our family of four was all together it often felt like someone was missing.
When I reached 20 weeks in my third pregnancy, I was excited to go to the ultrasound. I knew it was my final chance to know whether I was carrying a boy or a girl. The lady ran the ultrasound wand over the genitalia and I could see as clear as day that it was our third son. I will be completely honest and say that I was immediately upset. I felt horrible to be crying as the baby was growing perfectly. I should have been happy.
Some people who cannot have children may judge me and my tears. Why was I crying? I had three easy conceptions and three healthy children. The truth is I was grieving the loss of the daughter I would never have. That dream would never come true for me and I had to grieve for that loss.
When our third was two and a half I was feeling weird. Like my brain was covered in fairy floss. And I just knew. I sat down and peed on the stick and two very pink lines came up. I was pregnant. This wasn’t in the plans. (Another blog post on this later!). 
I thought I had grieved for the daughter that never was and would be ok with having another boy. A fourth boy.  Yet I still cried after the ultrasound. 
There was a news article recently about a woman who spent thousands of dollars to travel to America to have a ‘gender selection’ procedure done. There was a lot of debate surrounding this. Opinions from both sides of the moral fence and those who sat right in the middle. From an objective standpoint it seems wrong to mess with nature. However, from a personal standpoint I can see exactly why this woman did what she did. Sometimes our feelings can overrule everything else and I guess she was lucky enough to be in a financial position to be able to do this. Who are we to judge her on her decisions? Everyone has their own story of which we know nothing about and I am definite that she doesn’t love her sons any less because they don’t have a vagina.
I am so lucky to have my four boys. They are loving, caring, intelligent and are going to do amazing things in life. They are entertaining and polite and I love seeing all four of them together. There will, however, always be a small part of my heart that is saddened by my daughter who was never born, and that mother/daughter relationship I’ll never get to know.