Here’s a little something I wrote before the birth of our fourth and final little bundle of blue:
So you think your family is complete. You think you’ve got it all figured out. You think your three perfect little boys are your world. Life is getting easier as the youngest is just over two, toilet training and sleeping through the night (mostly!).
You look toward the future as a family of five. You drop your private health insurance for obstetrics. Don’t need that anymore!! You start looking into further education for yourself and you feel in control.
Then one day you don’t feel right. A bit foggy. And bit out of focus. You wake in the middle of the night and you know why. You dig out that white plastic stick from the bottom of a bathroom drawer and pee on it. Two very distinct pink lines appear.
It’s 3am and you’re sitting on the loo and at first you think, surely not. But you know. Deep down you know. And life is turned upside down. There is going to be another person joining the family in 36 weeks, give or take.
It came as a very big surprise to find out that actually our family was not yet complete. It seemed that we were very blessed with fertility. So immediately I was in two very different mindsets. Firstly I felt I had to be happy and excited about this baby. I had some negative reactions to our announcement and so I felt that I had to be happy for this little person growing inside of me. I am it’s mother and it is my job to love it more than another person can love.
But then the fear, anxiety, anger and guilt crept in. How will we be able to support four children? How will our marriage cope being the parents to four children? How will my body hold up enduring another pregnancy? How will I cope with the pain of childbirth? What about my further study, dreams and aspirations?
I worry about how the whole birth situation will unfold. It’s a scary thing!! I know I’ve done it three times already but each labour and birth was different so it’s like doing it for the first time, apart from the fact that you know the level of pain you will be in. And then there’s the after pains (which get worse with each baby!!) and the struggle of breastfeeding. Plus this baby will be born at a different hospital to the other three. Fear of the unknown.
I also worry about making sure we make enough time for each child so they feel special and loved and not pushed to the side because there’s just so much to do.
As for the immediate future I still have 18 weeks to go. And in that time I’m going to get bigger, my back will come under added stress and pressure all the while looking after three very energetic young boys and working two days a week.
However, standing back from all these worries and stresses there is beauty and blessedness. There is going to be a beautiful tiny baby coming into our family. A sweet baby boy. His big brothers are very excited and there are always ways around tricky situations.
I guess the key word in this whole situation is Acceptance.
Acceptance that this is happening. We are going to welcome a fourth little boy into our world in four months time. Accepting the fact that we are going to be a family of six (I came from a family of six and it’s awesome, just quietly!). Acceptance that life doesn’t go to plan and it’s the things that happen instead that are the great things (heard that in a movie recently).
This little baby boy was meant to come into our lives. I was meant to be a mother of boys. My studies can wait a few more years as my most important job is about to become 25% more crazy, busy and love filled. I cannot wait to see his little squished up face and hold him tightly in my arms.